it's 5:00am. I can't sleep. My head is full of things and I need to blow it out into some enormous hanky (or should that be, hankie? Hmm, spell check hasn't rejected either.)
I have a blood checkup in a few hours time, a liver ultrasound tomorrow and it was my son's birthday yesterday. All in all I'm not feeling relaxed enough to sleep. Rather than toss and turn, wiggle, yawn and scratch my head a lot (note to self: check for headlice) which keeps hubbie awake I chose to come down here and have a glass of milk like some little old lady. Which is how I feel at the mo'. A bit stiff and a touch grouchy but hopefully not smelling of wee.
I've been on the Dasatinib for two weeks now. First 40mg, now 60mg. Liver is ignoring it at the moment and my blood work has improved - those little white blood cells that have been flooding my system are disappearing again. I'm not experiencing any bad side effects, not even the vomitting and diarroah (hmm, no red line under diarroah, could it be that I've actually spelt it right? It's a sad state of affairs when you find you've subconsciously learned to spell diarroah!)
But I have this nagging feeling that I'm more irritable than usual, a little over-reactive to things and when you have a son who is sweet and placid and well behaved and generally the most gorgeous boy in the whole world then I shouldn't be feeling 'scratchy' at him, but I have been. I had been planning his 5th birthday party. Not exactly a party per se, as I was insistent that he was not to have any presents (he already has a huge pile from friends and family and I'd told him that he could have a loot bag, just like his friends, which he was perfectly happy about) but a gathering of his friends at a play place, one of those large colourful, generally loud, padded, slidey, climby, rumbly tumbly kind of places. Just buddies having fun, no need for party games or stuff, just hanging out with the homies. I was trying to write directions for some of the Mums who were turning up but J was in a needy mode, he wanted me to build K'nex, make a sock puppet, fix his police station, play cooking and read a book, all in the space of about an hour. None of which I did because, as I kept on telling him, "mummy's busy, she needs to write directions so your friends can come to your birthday gathering". But after an hour I said (in big capital letters) "OK, I'LL PLAY WITH YOU AND FIX YOUR THINGS AND MAKE THINGS AND THEN THERE'LL BE NO PARTY TOMORROW OK? YOU CHOOSE WHICH YOU WANT - PARTY TOMORROW OR PLAY NOW? OK". Well, he could have just chosen one, but of course he chose both, which didn't do anything for my temper. I feel like a mean mum and I just hope it's not this medicine that's revealing my Mr Hyde because if this keeps my leukemia under control then I'll be on it for life and J doesn't deserve a Mum like that.